he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
