the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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