I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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