I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
honey bunches of taint.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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