so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
