god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
