birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
