Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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