No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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