Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
