i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
