my phone needs a breathalizer
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
