Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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