Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
