Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
