I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
