Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
