I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
