you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
