one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
