ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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