theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just googled if crying burns calories
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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