I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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