Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
