I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
