She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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