so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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