life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I love having hate sex.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
As shirtless as possible
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
