You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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