I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
