it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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