Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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