i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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