Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
