Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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