There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
