I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
