I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
