mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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