Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
