dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
