i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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