shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I forgot wine drunk hurts
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
