The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
