Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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