Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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