Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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