oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
