This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
