Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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