If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
