tonight lets celebrate not being married
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
