my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
